Tuesday, February 12, 2013

In which I give my friend a hi-larious pep talk...

note: most of the (good) advice in this post was provided by my friend Penny because she's much better at this.

So my friend, let's call her Marla so she isn't completely mortified in case Price Darren finds this blog (but let's be real, he totally won't)... Wait, where was I again?

Oh right!

My friend Marla has her first date with Darren tomorrow. It's a lunch date. And Marla is a touch nervous because she's never been on a date where she didn't already know her companion pretty well beforehand. I decided to give her some excellent advice in blog form.

(note: not the real Darren)

TO BE FAIR, I am probably not the best person to give her any advice, or even a pep talk. Frankly, I haven't got much more experience than her in this situation. And therefore, my advice should probably be taken with a pretty serious grain of salt. Like, the biggest one she (or you, if for some reason you are also looking for some first date advice) can find. Do grains of salt come in different sizes? They should. Just grab a handful, I guess. I don't know.

I don't even know where to start. Oh, right--a good place to start might be with some "Dos and Don'ts" I'll do that!

  • Smile! You're so pretty so, this is something you should do. I guess. I don't know; this one is from our friend Penny, but I agreed with her. (tbh, most of these are from her... you should listen to her; she's good at boys.)
  • Ask him questions! I mean, the point of this IS to get to know him and find out if you like him as much as you like his face.
  • Answer his questions honestly and completely. If this does end up becoming something more, you don't want to start the relationship by lying. (ESPECIALLY THIS. MARLA, DO NOT TELL HIM YOU LIKE SPORTS. WE BOTH KNOW YOU WOULD BE LYING AND I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE: IT IS REALLY, REALLY HARD TO PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WHEN YOU DON'T.)
  • Even with the above... remember that you're not here to impress him. He's not there solely to impress you. You're just two pretty people getting to know one another so you can better decide if you want to smush your faces together in the future. 
  • Just be normal! He's just a boy. You're just a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? (He was a punk... she (didn't) do ballet... what more can I say?) In non-Avril Lavigne related lyrics though, you're both going to be a little nervous. From what it sounds like, he's a little nerdy just like you. I'm sure if you just act like yourself, it'll be fine. 
However, since you're both a little nerdy, there's a pretty good chance you'll be running into some awkward silences. These can be DEADLY. You should probably (not) do any of the following as soon as it happens to make things normal again:
  • Start belting the Spice Girls! Any song! I'm sure he loves them all, and you have a lovely voice!
  • Ask him to recreate the Numa Numa video with you. Then bring out the small tape recorder you have hidden in your purse and just start playing it before he answers.
  • Screech like a velociraptor and start flying around the dining hall.
  • Start talking in a British accent and acting really drunk (tbh I'm just gonna say it: do everything Leslie Knope does in that episode of Parks and Rec. You know which one I'm talking about.)
  • Throw your lunch at him and yell "FOOD FIGHT". Everyone will join in and your first date will be unforgettable!
  • Start tap-dancing on the table and singing something from a musical (personally, I'm thinking it should be "King of New York" from Newsies. Because it's just a good song and I know you like it. And again, you have a lovely voice and could totally rock the singing too.)
(above: a great idea)

I think it's time now for some things that you should definitely not do. And I don't mean like the stuff above because you should totally do those. For serious. He'd love it.

  • Order a salad. I mean, guys don't want to hear about your dieting and they don't want to think you only eat "rabbit food". Plus, it's gross anyway. Just order something yummy (and not too messy).
  • Only don't get anything with garlic either. Because Darren might be a vampire. You don't want to piss him off. He might kill you in your sleep. But if he is a vampire, and you think he might be the sparkly kind, then get the garlic. I don't think you want your very own Edward Cullen and it'll save you trouble in the long run.
  • Worry too much about your appearance. I mean, don't wear sweats, and definitely make sure your hair isn't sticking straight up, and there's nothing in your teeth, but don't over think it. You look fine. 
  • Get drunk on the first date. I mean, you're under 21 Marla. You shouldn't be getting drunk at all. But definitely don't do it on the first date. Disastrous things could (and probably would) happen. It's just better to avoid the alcohol for a bit.
  • Completely dominate the conversation. I'm pretty sure you won't though, because you're not the kind of person who rambles when they're nervous (though I am for sure). Regardless, you're not talking to a wall; Darren might have something to say too. Pay attention to him and make sure it's a DIALOGUE and not a monologue.
  • Have really high expectations. It's a first date. And maybe not even a date. It's just a "getting to know you" lunch... thing. You're probably not going to like every single word he says. You might even disagree on some really big stuff. Try not to resent that if it happens. There's a really good chance he won't be exactly the person you have made up in your head. And you could still be really good friends if it doesn't work out romantically.
Overall, the most important thing is that you have fun! I mean, many of my little tips are just jokes. I REALLY HOPE YOU RECOGNIZED THAT (because otherwise we may not be able to be friends anymore tbh). But I do think that there is some really good advice here. The important part now is you deciding what to follow and what to ignore. Because this is YOUR maybe-a-date. And only you know what will make you feel comfortable. I mean if you really do want to bust out some Spice Girls in the middle of the date, go for it! You are one of my best friends, Marla, and I trust your judgment. Who knows? That really might be the best decision to make in the context of lunch! I'm certainly not going to tell you what to do. Because whatever you DO do? It's going to be what's right for you and I truly believe that.
I love you. Try not to be nervous. Have a great time. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. 


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