I'm back! And so is Justin Timberlake! (for good...?)

This is going to be a half a post. I'm going to say hi! I'm back! Sorry, I went through a really rough patch last Spring. And then Summer was spent working up the nerve to do something about that. Then I started school (again) in the Fall. I'm in a much better place though, and I have a few ideas for posts. So I hope you're in the mood for pity laughs! Because they're my favorite kind!

In other news, I was at work really early this morning (like, 7:30am? Which I realize isn't super early for everyone, but personally, I'd rather be asleep) listening to the store's radio system when I had a thought. But first there's a really long tangential so just try and follow me, okay?

My shift started at 6am and shortly after the girl I relieved (finally) left, I heard "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake.

Alright.

I can definitely groove to this.

Until the next song (which was one of those awful "Glee" originals)...

But no matter! I usually have a pretty good time when I work this shift. The customers are mostly morning people who are always happy you see you.

A little while later as I start to mop the floor of snow for the millionth time in an hour (I forgot to mention, I live in New York. Oh wait, I have mentioned that. Whatever.), I hear a familiar song begin to play over the loudspeakers.

It's "Cry Me a River."

Again.

It was barely like, an hour.

And here's the thing... I really like Justin Timberlake. Probably more than the average layperson. I've seen every episode of SNL where he's been either host or musical guest. I stayed up every night for Timberweek on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last year. I loved *NSYNC when I was younger, and followed Justin because hello, he was obviously the best member. His decision to go solo was best for everyone.

(Except the other boys in the band. Probably.)

However don't we think that hearing the same Justin Timberlake song twice in ~an hour is a bit much? If you're binging and have the song on repeat in your room, that's one thing. But this is a corporate grocery chain!

Come on guys, step up your game.

(PS I could write an entire blog post about that picture of NSYNC. They were such BABIES. And look at Justin's frosted tip ramen noodle hair. And Lance is just squished in there like it's cool I like dicks. Oh god that was inappropriate, wasn't it? I'm going to quit while I'm ahead here.)

Caffeinated Blogger seeks Best Friend

Hi. So. I know it's been a really long time. I'm sorry about that. There's still a lot of crap going on, but I did feel good enough to write this. I guess that's something. Plus, I come bearing... some sort of news?

Well, not really.

But (I think)I do have a funny post for you.

Earlier I was thinking about how great a weekend away would be. The only problem is, my go-to vacation spot is usually New York City. I can go alone without feeling entirely awkward, and there's public transit so I don't need a rental car. However... I don't really feel like going to New York this time. I'd love to take a relaxing trip to the beach or even like, a road trip somewhere that includes hiking in the mountains? I'm not really sure. I just know that all the places I could think of weren't really singles-friendly. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment either, so that option was out. Basically, I was left wondering just one thing:

why the HELL do all my friends live so damn far away?

the definition of a proper best friend will (probably) end up below

There's no way around it. Almost all of the people I consider my really good friends don't live within a two hour drive of me. Many of them don't even live within a two hour flight. Some of my friends live in entirely different countries. I have one friend who lives in Great Britain, and we're always joking about this or that thing we could do if it weren't for this ridiculous thing called the Atlantic Ocean getting in the way.

But I digress.

Sort of.

The point is, I began to wonder what the solution to my problem could possibly be. I thought about posting (or reading) craigslist.. but I wasn't in the mood to be murdered. 'cause like, the craigslist killer is still a thing, right? I don't know. The people on there are hella creepy though. They're all just weird and sketch. I'd rather not.

Instead my first stop was twitter. Because why not? I mean, I post a buttload of crap (pun entirely intended) on my twitter it's a wonder anyone follows me. (Oh right, it's because I give them all cookies six times a day and cry if they even hover near the unfollow button.)*

i guess you can all find out where i live now.
(just don't kill me or sign me up for spam mail, ok?)

I only got like, three applicants though. And they're all really bad at reading, apparently, because they don't live anywhere near me. I needed to reach a wider audience since apparently twitter was shamefully inept at meeting my needs.

Aha! I thought. I have a blog! I can totally find a best friend here. (...I mean, maybe.)

I even rewrote my ad for you using more than 140 characters in the desperate hope that it will attract someone nearby to apply:

Are you a somewhat interesting person who likes to do stuff? Specifically the kind of stuff that involves doing things (but tbh usually means sitting on the couch watching netflix)? Do you also live in the greater Buffalo area AND MAYBE EVEN HAVE A CAR? We might just have the greatest news of your life!! You could be the ideal best friend for an online blogger who drinks too much coffee!** If you're interested, just leave a comment here, follow her on twitter, or even stalk her in real life! She'll love it!***

-

* that's a joke. my followers don't get cookies. well, most of them don't... but I really will cry if you unfollow me. probably.
** Unless you don't like Harry Potter. You probably shouldn't apply then.
*** Truth be told, you should probably not stalk her in real life. Stalker.

My feeble excuse...

I'm really sorry I haven't updated.

...not that there are many people who read this unless cajoled but.

Apparently when I fall into the pit of depression, I keep sinking. I'll try to get something new up soon, but it's pretty hard to be funny when you just feel sad all the time.

We'll talk soon. xoxo

Keeping Under the Radar

Earlier today, I found this article about Duke University's new "Write(H)ers" program. Apparently it's supposed to teach women who are interested in feminism and blogging to... well, blog. I like blogging and feminism.

I had no idea that I needed accreditation to do that I'm doing.

Since I can't quite afford Duke's tuition rates, how about we just not tell the authorities that I'm blogging without proper training. They'll never know; it's not like this is a terribly popular blog. 

(One day I will rule the internet though. You'll see.)

Netflix is my boyfriend.

It feels like everyone plays the "bitter single" at some point in their life. Usually it happens after a breakup, or on Valentines or something like that. Some people claim they are totally happy being single, and maybe most of the time they are, but everyone wants to have someone once in a while.

I am the first to admit that I play this role--and often. Some guy didn't want to flirt with me? Loser. All of them. A guy I liked wouldn't add me on facebook? Gay. And a jerk. There's a man-hating excuse to every scenario. Is that a good thing? Well no, probably not. But that's another post for another day, because today? Today I had a somewhat overwhelming revelation.

Netflix is my boyfriend.

Or, at least, the closest thing I have to it.

After I had the initial thought, I just kept coming up with more reasons it is true. Think about it... Netflix spends most evenings with me. It's always up for some snuggling next to the laptop whether we're watching a romcom, a political thriller (I just started House of Cards. I love it.), a sitcom, or even a really bad reality television show. Netflix makes me feel better when I'm sad just by being there. If someone cancels on me? That's okay. Netflix has dozens of suggestions for what we should do. Oh, you liked that show? Try this one!

Really, it's no surprise that I'm preparing for a life of spinsterhood. Well, as long as we can change the "crazy old cat lady" stereotype to "that lady who talks about tv characters like they're real."

Anyway, I'm off to spend some time with my boyfriend... Happy Valentine's Day, guys! :)

In which I give my friend a hi-larious pep talk...

note: most of the (good) advice in this post was provided by my friend Penny because she's much better at this.

So my friend, let's call her Marla so she isn't completely mortified in case Price Darren finds this blog (but let's be real, he totally won't)... Wait, where was I again?

Oh right!

My friend Marla has her first date with Darren tomorrow. It's a lunch date. And Marla is a touch nervous because she's never been on a date where she didn't already know her companion pretty well beforehand. I decided to give her some excellent advice in blog form.

(note: not the real Darren)

TO BE FAIR, I am probably not the best person to give her any advice, or even a pep talk. Frankly, I haven't got much more experience than her in this situation. And therefore, my advice should probably be taken with a pretty serious grain of salt. Like, the biggest one she (or you, if for some reason you are also looking for some first date advice) can find. Do grains of salt come in different sizes? They should. Just grab a handful, I guess. I don't know.

I don't even know where to start. Oh, right--a good place to start might be with some "Dos and Don'ts" I'll do that!

DO:

• Smile! You're so pretty so, this is something you should do. I guess. I don't know; this one is from our friend Penny, but I agreed with her. (tbh, most of these are from her... you should listen to her; she's good at boys.)
• Ask him questions! I mean, the point of this IS to get to know him and find out if you like him as much as you like his face.
• Answer his questions honestly and completely. If this does end up becoming something more, you don't want to start the relationship by lying. (ESPECIALLY THIS. MARLA, DO NOT TELL HIM YOU LIKE SPORTS. WE BOTH KNOW YOU WOULD BE LYING AND I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE: IT IS REALLY, REALLY HARD TO PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WHEN YOU DON'T.)
• Even with the above... remember that you're not here to impress him. He's not there solely to impress you. You're just two pretty people getting to know one another so you can better decide if you want to smush your faces together in the future. 
• Just be normal! He's just a boy. You're just a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? (He was a punk... she (didn't) do ballet... what more can I say?) In non-Avril Lavigne related lyrics though, you're both going to be a little nervous. From what it sounds like, he's a little nerdy just like you. I'm sure if you just act like yourself, it'll be fine. 

However, since you're both a little nerdy, there's a pretty good chance you'll be running into some awkward silences. These can be DEADLY. You should probably (not) do any of the following as soon as it happens to make things normal again:

• Start belting the Spice Girls! Any song! I'm sure he loves them all, and you have a lovely voice!
• Ask him to recreate the Numa Numa video with you. Then bring out the small tape recorder you have hidden in your purse and just start playing it before he answers.
• Screech like a velociraptor and start flying around the dining hall.
• Start talking in a British accent and acting really drunk (tbh I'm just gonna say it: do everything Leslie Knope does in that episode of Parks and Rec. You know which one I'm talking about.)
• Throw your lunch at him and yell "FOOD FIGHT". Everyone will join in and your first date will be unforgettable!
• Start tap-dancing on the table and singing something from a musical (personally, I'm thinking it should be "King of New York" from Newsies. Because it's just a good song and I know you like it. And again, you have a lovely voice and could totally rock the singing too.)

(above: a great idea)

I think it's time now for some things that you should definitely not do. And I don't mean like the stuff above because you should totally do those. For serious. He'd love it.

DO NOT:

• Order a salad. I mean, guys don't want to hear about your dieting and they don't want to think you only eat "rabbit food". Plus, it's gross anyway. Just order something yummy (and not too messy).
• Only don't get anything with garlic either. Because Darren might be a vampire. You don't want to piss him off. He might kill you in your sleep. But if he is a vampire, and you think he might be the sparkly kind, then get the garlic. I don't think you want your very own Edward Cullen and it'll save you trouble in the long run.
• Worry too much about your appearance. I mean, don't wear sweats, and definitely make sure your hair isn't sticking straight up, and there's nothing in your teeth, but don't over think it. You look fine. 
• Get drunk on the first date. I mean, you're under 21 Marla. You shouldn't be getting drunk at all. But definitely don't do it on the first date. Disastrous things could (and probably would) happen. It's just better to avoid the alcohol for a bit.
• Completely dominate the conversation. I'm pretty sure you won't though, because you're not the kind of person who rambles when they're nervous (though I am for sure). Regardless, you're not talking to a wall; Darren might have something to say too. Pay attention to him and make sure it's a DIALOGUE and not a monologue.
• Have really high expectations. It's a first date. And maybe not even a date. It's just a "getting to know you" lunch... thing. You're probably not going to like every single word he says. You might even disagree on some really big stuff. Try not to resent that if it happens. There's a really good chance he won't be exactly the person you have made up in your head. And you could still be really good friends if it doesn't work out romantically.

Overall, the most important thing is that you have fun! I mean, many of my little tips are just jokes. I REALLY HOPE YOU RECOGNIZED THAT (because otherwise we may not be able to be friends anymore tbh). But I do think that there is some really good advice here. The important part now is you deciding what to follow and what to ignore. Because this is YOUR maybe-a-date. And only you know what will make you feel comfortable. I mean if you really do want to bust out some Spice Girls in the middle of the date, go for it! You are one of my best friends, Marla, and I trust your judgment. Who knows? That really might be the best decision to make in the context of lunch! I'm certainly not going to tell you what to do. Because whatever you DO do? It's going to be what's right for you and I truly believe that.

I love you. Try not to be nervous. Have a great time. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. 

Kelly

I don't really know what I'm doing.

Okay, wow. So let me tell you something. Starting a blog? It's dumb, and stressful, and you're never really sure if you like what you're calling it. Also the very first post? EVEN WORSE. It's like.. what do I write about? Should I introduce myself? Dive right in? There's so much speculation and talk now about "the next big thing", and if your blog isn't immediately successful, you're a failure. Which leads to immense pressure and self-doubt over what is or isn't right.

Or maybe that's just me.

But the point is that I've wanted to start a blog for a while now. I agonized over a URL and a title and everything. Finally I found one that I AM PRETTY SURE AT LEAST I like. But also some days I don't like anything but netflix and my snuggliest blanket so who am I to really say? 

Why did I want a blog? Another question to which I'm not really sure I know the answer. I do know that I enjoy writing things and talking about tv shows. I watch a lot of tv (but I think that's pretty obvious already). I also think that I'm moderately hilarious and that everyone should be laughing at my jokes. So all these factors combined into one soup made me feel that writing a blog would be fun and rewarding.

I'm probably wrong.

But I'm doing it anyway. I hope you'll read it. And I hope you don't make fun of me too badly when I fail infamously.